Yesterday was a blur. From the time we woke till that last hug at the airport, nothing went according to plan. We had planned to spend the day lazily on the couch, just making the most of our last few hours together, but his wonderful landlord decided that he needed to vacate the apartment by 10 AM despite his flight being at 3 AM the following day.
So we packed 5 1/2 years of things in a frenzy, cramming them into his suitcases and then into my car, and hit the road. He had a mountain of errands due to last minute complications, so from around 10:30 AM to 7 PM we were driving from one office to another, him spending hours inside, and me spending hours in the parking lot. By the time we were done, we were both so exhausted that we could barely keep our eyes open at dinner. Our sadness at him leaving was overshadowed by how exhausted we were.
For the most part, I’ve been bottling up my feelings about H moving away, they all sort of exploded out of me during one of those long waits in the car. I decided to make him a little video to tell him how much he means to me, something to watch when the plane takes off, you know?
He’s home now. And I’m lost.
I woke up this morning not knowing what to do with myself. For the last six months, I’ve had a very precise routine:
- Wake H up in the morning by putting my cold hands on his belly.
- Cuddle for a little while longer, get dressed, make breakfast together.
- Go to the gym together.
- Work on our grad school applications, and argue over who has to pick a restaurant for lunch.
- Get lost because our GPS is stupid, eat delicious food. Come home, nap. Work some more.
This morning I have no one to see, no one to sing stupid songs with, nowhere to go. His absence is so overwhelming, I can scarcely put it into words.
Today, I’m going to want to clean my room and desk, I’ve neglected it in the week leading up to H’s departure. Give my biz some TLC too. And, maybe try and make myself a good meal. Resist the temptation to eat crap and binge watch TV. In the evening, I’m going to head to the gym, H and I have made a pact, we’re both going to be the best shape of our lives when we see each other again in August.
There’s a quote that’s been echoing in my head that last few days, and I think it’s so appropriate for our situation. It’s something I included in my video to him as well:
How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.
On that note,